THE RECONNECT LIBRARY

Understanding what happens
between us.

Relationships can be complicated. Psychology doesn't have to be. Explore small, thoughtful guides to understanding yourself, other people, and the patterns that develop between us.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO START?

01
◎

UNDERSTANDING OURSELVES

Emotional Intelligence

It isn't about being calm all the time. It's about being able to notice, understand and work with emotions — both ours and other people's.

In simple terms

Emotional intelligence is our capacity to recognise emotions, make sense of what they may be communicating, and respond rather than simply react.

NOTICE

The next time you have a strong reaction, try asking: “What am I feeling — and what might this feeling be trying to tell me?”

02
↔

UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIPS

Relational Intelligence

Knowing yourself matters. But relationships also ask us to understand what is being created between two people.

Think “between”, not just “within”

Relational intelligence means noticing not only “What am I doing?” or “What are they doing?”, but also “What pattern are we creating together?”

REFLECT

When tension appears, try replacing “Who started this?” with “What keeps happening between us?”

03
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COMMUNICATION

Good Communication

Good communication isn't saying everything perfectly. It's creating enough safety for two imperfect people to keep trying to understand one another.

Communication is more than words

Tone, timing, defensiveness, assumptions and emotional safety all influence whether a message can actually be received.

TRY THIS

Before explaining your position again, ask: “Can you tell me what you heard me say?”

04
⌁

CHANGING PERSPECTIVE

Two things can be true.

Your experience doesn't have to become less valid for you to become curious about somebody else's.

Moving beyond either/or

Relationships often become stuck when understanding another person's experience feels like admitting that ours was wrong. But understanding is not the same as agreeing.

TRY THE WORD “AND”

“I felt hurt by what happened, AND I can understand that you experienced the situation differently.”

05
○

NEEDS & BOUNDARIES

Need, Request or Control?

Expressing what you need is part of intimacy. Trying to determine another person's choice is something different.

A useful distinction

A request allows another person a genuine choice. A boundary describes what you will do. Control attempts to determine what somebody else must do.

ASK YOURSELF

“If the other person says no, do they genuinely still have a choice?”

06
∞

CONFLICT

Patterns, Not Villains

Sometimes the problem isn't one person. It's the cycle that both people become caught inside.

Look for the loop

One person pushes harder because they feel unheard. The other withdraws because they feel overwhelmed. The withdrawal makes the first person push harder — and suddenly the pattern has taken over.

NEXT TIME

Try naming the pattern: “I think we've fallen into our loop again.”

A MOMENT TO THINK

When you feel misunderstood, what do you tend to do next?

You don't need to become an expert in relationships.

Sometimes noticing the pattern
is where change begins.

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